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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29083677">A Light in the Dark</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neflanthir/pseuds/Neflanthir'>Neflanthir</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gundam SEED, Gundam SEED Destiny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Multi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:09:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,713</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29083677</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neflanthir/pseuds/Neflanthir</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Post GSD but with an AU ending: Kira is hurt in the explosion of Messiah and has to deal with PTSD while trying to recover. </p>
<p>Marked as mature for the PTSD theme and also the mild MXM content which occurs in some chapters.</p>
<p>((Written for haseowantssilabus on DA.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kira Yamato/Athrun Zala, Shinn Asuka/Kira Yamato, Shinn Asuka/Kira Yamato/Athrun Zala</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1 (Kira POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Seeing the soldiers trying to free themselves, Kira hesitated. The explosion was imminent and he needed to get out, but... Moving the Strike Freedom towards them, he started to help them remove the wreckage that was preventing their escape, when suddenly, he was surrounded by light and engulfed in pain.</p>
<p>Screaming, he found himself in a dark room, covered in sweat and breathing heavily. Athrun soon appeared at his side, holding him gently as tears streamed down his face, even as reality set back in. Every night it was the same thing, the nightmares, memories, plagued his sleep. They were both exhausted but Athrun always came and sat with him, trying to calm and support him through everything.</p>
<p>The explosion had caused a lot of damage, though his Gundam had protected him from most of it. He had blacked out for a time but awoke in the med bay of the Archangel and he could still vividly recall the girls crying hysterically, wondering if he was going to survive. The damage had been repaired weeks ago by the doctors on PLANT but he could still feel the injuries sometimes, the pain could be just as sharp as it had been then, even if really, it was all in his head.</p>
<p>So many people had died during the two wars between Naturals and Coordinators and too many of those had either died by his hand, or because he had failed to save or protect them. The faces, both real and imagined, haunted him day and night. The guilt was suffocating, so much pain and loss... Athrun was always there though, he stayed at his side and chased the phantoms of his mind away as best he could. Taking a deep, shaky breath, he pulled away from the embrace, forming an apologetic smile on his face as he did.</p>
<p>“Sorry, Athrun. I’m okay, really, go back to bed.”</p>
<p>Rather than the usual ‘argument’, Athrun shook his head and joined him in the bed, taking hold of his hand as they settled down. Through his surprise, a grateful smile formed on Kira’s face. While he really wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve it, given everything that had happened between them, he was glad Athrun insisted on being there for him. He really didn’t know what he’d do without his friend’s care and support…</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>When the light streaming through the window woke him, he was pleasantly surprised to see the numbers displayed on the clock. It was late morning and the first time in weeks that he’d woken naturally and actually felt like he’d slept. Athrun was asleep beside him, still holding his hand. Not wanting to disturb his slumber, Kira remained still, knowing that Athrun needed sleep as badly as he did.</p>
<p>For once, he actually felt at peace. Everything was calm, ‘normal’ even and that was wonderful. It was far too rare these days that his mind was quiet and he could just appreciate the moment. Athrun’s idea had clearly worked wonders, though his best friend had always protected him and made him feel safe. There had been so many times he had been sure Athrun would leave him, that he had been pushed too far, but he never had. Despite everything, he always remained.</p>
<p>It seemed like a lifetime ago that they had met, Kira had never encountered another Coordinator before and he certainly never anticipated the bluenette would play such a large and integral part of his life, for better and for worse. Aside from the bullying, and his incessant crying because of it, his childhood with Athrun had been wonderful. Everything had looked so promising and simple before they were torn apart, only to end up as enemies in war.</p>
<p>“Morning Kira, did you sleep well?”</p>
<p>A smile lit his face as he turned to look at Athrun. “Much better, thank you. Sorry Athrun, I cause you so much bother but I really am so very grateful for everything.”</p>
<p>“You’ve never been a bother and have nothing to apologise for. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to. Are you ready to get up?”</p>
<p>“Yes, but before you say it, no, you’re not. I’m making breakfast today, or lunch, maybe, given the time.”</p>
<p>The comment was rewarded with a gentle, though amused smile and Athrun nodded his acceptance. “Okay, I look forward to it.”</p>
<p>With that, Athrun slipped out of the bed and headed back to his own room, leaving Kira to get up and ready. Once he had cleaned up and dressed, he headed to the kitchen. While he had no idea what he was going to make, it was about time he did something for Athrun. Showing his appreciation for everything the younger man had done for him the last few weeks was important to him.</p>
<p>Doing something normal and sociable would probably do him some good as well. As much as he understood he had a lot of healing to do and the trauma wasn’t going to just magically disappear, all the negativity and inability to cope did nothing for his esteem. Patience, he knew. Certainly he had heard it enough times but it was far easier for them to preach than for him to live with it.</p>
<p>Eventually, Kira decided on attempting to make his mother’s cabbage rolls, given Athrun’s love of them. They had all the ingredients he needed and they weren’t difficult to make, though that didn’t mean his offering would match hers. It was the thought that counted, however, and he knew Athrun would appreciate the gesture. Being able to lose himself in the process of creation was a novelty as well. The longer this mood remained, the better.</p>
<p>The meal was a relaxed affair, they lounged on the sofa to a backdrop of day time television. It felt like forever since they’d done something so simple, even though to most, it was such a normal thing to do. Hopefully they could go back to living normal lives. With all the political changes and shifts in power and public opinion, maybe this time they could all live together peacefully. He didn’t want to have to fight in yet another war…</p>
<p>“How are you feeling, Kira?” Athrun asked suddenly while they were cleaning up, snapping him out of his thoughts.</p>
<p>“I feel much more like myself today. It’s nice…”</p>
<p>“I’m glad. I have a meeting to go to, soldiers are coming together to talk things over. Would you like to come with me?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know if that would be a good idea? I probably wouldn’t be welcome…”</p>
<p>“You’re far more accepted than you think, especially given you were hurt so badly trying to save Z.A.F.T soldiers. I’m not going to pressure you Kira, if you want to come, do, if you don’t want to, don’t, it’s up to you.”</p>
<p>The very thought of going made him feel sick and the waves of anxiety left his stomach in knots. It was all part of the PTSD, he knew, and if Athrun said it was fine, then it was, but that knowledge didn’t help. Part of him knew he should probably push through it and go, the experience could well benefit him but he just didn’t know that he could. All his mind was telling him was that it was too soon, his ego trying to ‘protect’ him. He should ignore it but he didn’t want to, despite his good mood, he just didn’t feel strong enough to push through the fear.</p>
<p>“Thank you. I think I’ll stay here though and do some of the things I’ve been neglecting.”</p>
<p>“Okay. I’ll only be gone a few hours and you can call me any time if you need to, for anything at all.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be fine, Athrun, don’t worry. Do what you need to and I’ll see you later.”</p>
<p>“I’ll bring back something to eat, so don’t worry about that. See you in a little while.”</p>
<p>Kira nodded and watched his friend leave. He felt bad for making the other worry so much but he just couldn’t help it. The more he gave into these feelings, the more terrifying everything would probably seem and he had to face everything eventually but his eternal optimism seemed to be absent since the explosion.</p>
<p>He needed to get better and stop being such a drain on his friend. It was just how to do that. He’d tried counselling but it didn’t go well. There were too many secrets he just couldn’t share, like anything to do with Ulen Hibiki, which meant the sessions just weren’t effective. He had to figure something out though, it would only get worse if he didn’t… Things just had to change.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2 (Shinn POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He really didn’t know what he was doing there… Okay, so literally, he was going over a few things with Athrun because he had to. He had more or less made peace with him and understood that his actions were down to a betrayal by Durandal, not Athrun, and had forgiven what happened. After all, without Athrun, he might have accidentally killed Luna and he didn’t know how he could ever live with himself for something like that.</p><p>His issue, was that Athrun didn’t live alone, Freedom’s pilot lived there too. He knew he had been hurt trying to save Z.A.F.T soldiers but that didn’t mean he had overcome the idea that the other was the enemy. He still blamed him for his sister’s death, though if he was honest, he didn’t know who had fired the shot. Whoever it was couldn’t possibly have seen them either, but that logic didn’t take away the pain or anger he felt.</p><p>Generally, people saw Freedom’s pilot, Kira, as a hero. Some poor boy pulled into a battle he didn’t want to fight, who was just trying to save everyone. Misguided, he had heard some of the other soldiers excuse it as. The fact was, the actions of him and the Archangel had caused chaos that didn’t need to be there. Okay, in the end, he was right that both sides were wrong and the fighting was needless, but all the same…</p><p>However he felt, he had to be civil. He knew Athrun protected him and that there would be issues if he was rude or hostile. If he was lucky, the brunette boy simply wouldn’t be home. Knocking on the door, Shinn waited for an answer. Thankfully, it was the bluenette who answered the door, not his friend and Shinn smiled politely as the other invited him inside.</p><p>The smiled dropped from his face when he saw Kira, though he kept his mouth shut. The other boy acknowledged him, but didn’t hold eye contact. After everything that had happened during the war, the other boy seemed surprisingly meek. He’d expected something other than the timid, insecure behaviour in front of him, from someone with a reputation like his.</p><p>“Kira isn’t feeling too well still.” Athrun stated softly, clearly deliberately keeping his voice low.</p><p>The boy moved his hair behind his ear and collected his belongings from the table. “Sorry, I’ll get out of the way.”</p><p>“You’re not in the way, Kira. If you feel more comfortable going elsewhere, that’s fine but you don’t have to.”</p><p>Shinn was surprised by just how gentle Athrun was with the other teen. During all the time he had spent with him, he’d never heard him speak that way to anyone. Presumably the comment about him not feeling well was mentally, rather than physically. Maybe he really did understand the consequences of his actions and was struggling to cope with it all. If that was the case, then he really had better behave, it was clear Athrun wouldn’t respond well if Kira was pushed too far and broke completely.</p><p>Luna always told him that he was too quick to judge others. Commander Jule had forgiven him and Meyrin had only good things to say. Of course, there was also Chair Lady Clyne, who clearly adored him and agreed with his actions and ethics. Perhaps he really ought to be more open about this and give him a chance. That didn’t mean they had to be friends or anything, just that he could try being a little more accepting.</p><p>Once Kira had left the room, Athrun sighed softly and motioned for Shinn to take a seat, while he collected a few things. For the first time, Shinn noticed just how drained Athrun looked. His posture was more slumped than normal and his movements were slower and less crisp. While some of that could be attributed to him being at home, he was quite sure it was to do with the other pilot.</p><p>“I don’t mean to pry, but is everything okay?”</p><p>“Yes, of course.”</p><p>“Athrun…”</p><p>The blue-haired man sighed again, deeply this time. “Kira is having a difficult time, the PTSD is severe and I just don’t know how to help him…”</p><p>There was the slightest tinge of despair in his tone and it was clear that Freedom’s pilot was considerably important to him. A fact that had Shinn chewing his lip, torn between continuing with his petty dislike and ignoring the situation, and in being a bigger man and offering some sort of help or support. He had forgiven Athrun and understood his actions, wasn’t it only right for him to try to do the same with Kira too?</p><p>“Do you think it might help if I talked to him, given everything?”</p><p>Athrun looked startled by the offer and Shinn knew he’d done a very poor job of hiding his feelings. “You still blame him, why would you offer to help him?”</p><p>“Maybe I’m trying to be a better person? Who knows, it might help me too…”</p><p>“Thank you, Shinn. Today might not be the right day to try, the last few days have been really bad for him but you’re welcome to another time, if that’s what you want to do.”</p><p>Shinn nodded and they left the conversation at that, moving on to business instead. Athrun had made it clear Kira was too ‘unwell’ today and had given him a get-out-clause for any future encounters, so there was nothing more to dwell on for the time being. Focusing on what they needed to get done was more important, especially since his companion looked so badly in need of rest.</p><p>He wasn’t really sure how they’d ended up being responsible for planning a military conference, but here they were. Athrun, thankfully, appeared to have a good idea of the requirements they needed to fulfil. That probably meant he’d end up doing the donkey work but if that was all he could do to help Athrun, then so be it. Leaving everything to the bluenette was completely out of the question, especially now.</p><p>It was about two hours later that they had finally worked out a rough plan. Shinn had been given a to-do list and he had taken as much as Athrun would relent to. The older pilot apparently didn’t like the idea of letting someone else take the workload and had been rather stubborn. Eventually he had relented, though Shinn’s victory had been hard-earned. Arrangements had also been made for their next meeting and what needed to be done by then.</p><p>It was going to be a lot of work but it was worth it. Partly for helping Athrun with some of the strain he was clearly under but mainly because it was a good cause. The black-haired youth had suffered enough due to the wars but he knew that in terms of actual trauma in battle, there were plenty of other soldiers who had suffered far more. Helping them deal with what had happened and take steps to heal was important and necessary.</p><p>It seemed that was something Freedom’s pilot needed, given Athrun’s state of exhaustion, though Shinn wondered if Athrun had demons too and just hid them better. He always came across as so strong and sure and yet now, that mask was slipping and Shinn wasn’t so sure that he wasn’t just as damaged as the rest of them. Certainly, he had every reason to be, if the rumours were true.</p><p>Time would tell, he supposed. Whether that was about Athrun, Kira, or himself. The only thing he could do right now was fulfil his role and support Athrun in the process. What might come of his offer to speak with Kira, he didn’t know. He still had serious reservations about dealing with someone he had so strongly considered an enemy but equally, some part of him felt enough guilt that he knew he needed to follow through. Everything would come down to opportunity and how they both felt the next time their paths crossed. </p><p>Either way, it wasn’t something he needed to worry about for now. Getting on with the tasks he had to complete was where his focus needed to be. That was the best way he could help everyone. Doing a good job with the conference preparations would certainly help. At least this way, he could avoid the gnawing feelings of guilt he knew would otherwise eat away at him…</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3 (Athrun POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Months seemed to have both flown by and dragged on. How that could be the case, he wasn’t certain but that was how it felt. The meet-up, which was more appropriate than the ‘conference’ it had been labelled as, had already been and gone and had been a huge success. Most surprising, was that Kira had actually agreed to attend and Shinn had kept his word and had spoken to him.</p><p>Some days, his friend seemed almost like his old self, while others, he was a complete mess. He was also still woken by nightmares every night unless Athrun stayed with him, though neither of them thought that Kira relying on him to sleep was a good idea. Having a ‘crutch’ would only make it harder to heal. They both believed that he needed to be able to function on his own, if he ever wanted to get back to having a ‘normal’ life.</p><p>Of course, it wasn’t that easy or simple. Kira had no idea that Athrun was in love with him, a fact that left him torn. On the one hand, he wanted to stay with him, to protect him from his demons and stop him feeling any more pain. On the other, he felt guilty about the closeness. As Kira didn’t know about his feelings, it felt almost like he was taking advantage. If Kira knew, he might not feel comfortable with Athrun holding him, or sleeping in the same bed.</p><p>Paranoid thoughts attempted to convince him that it would be far worse than that, though he tried to ignore them. Kira wasn’t the type to leave, or kick him out, nor to break all ties. He knew that, unhesitatingly, though that did nothing to stop the dark whispers in his mind. Kira was the only link he had left to his childhood, before everything felt apart… His friend wasn’t the only one with issues, he knew, but Kira’s were far worse than his own right now. In the end, they both needed to heal and he could only hope that time would let them.</p><p>Shinn was also in the same boat and Athrun was proud of him for acknowledging that and taking steps to deal with it. He had made a point of speaking to Kira every week and passed on anything he thought might be useful, from both therapists and other soldiers suffering with PTSD. The wars had left a lot of broken people, soldiers and civilians alike. They were all working towards the same goal and he was proud of those who were reaching out to help each other.</p><p>While it was probably all in his mind, and it was awful to think, honestly he felt that Shinn was getting a little too close to Kira for his liking. It wasn’t his business either way but sometimes it wasn’t easy to remember that. Kira didn’t know how he felt, so it was really his own fault but telling him would be difficult enough normally, without Kira being so fragile. He wasn’t sure whether the guilt he felt over the idea was genuinely over hurting his friend further, or if it was just a means of protecting himself from rejection.</p><p>He would have to make a decision, one way or the other. Either he kept hiding his feelings and dealt with whatever may or may not happen between Kira and Shinn, or he told Kira the truth and accepted whatever consequences that brought with it. Both options felt terrifying. Losing him just wasn’t something he wanted to imagine…</p><p>“What are you thinking about?” Kira asked gently, snapping Athrun from his thoughts.</p><p>“Just how things have been going.”</p><p>“Sorry, I know I cause you an awful lot of worry and issues.”</p><p>“That isn’t what I meant. I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t want to be.”</p><p>“I know. I think you’re crazy for going through all this for me but I do appreciate it. I really don’t know what I’d do without you.”</p><p>“You and Shinn seem to be getting along well now?”</p><p>“He appears to be at least getting over his issues with me, yes. He’s nice enough to me, but, I don’t know, it’s a little weird.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>Kira shook his head and took a seat next to him. “I don’t know, something just seems…I don’t know. There’s nothing to worry about though and I appreciate all the effort he’s putting in to help me.”</p><p>“How are you feeling today?”</p><p>“I’m okay today. Don’t get me wrong, I’d freak if you asked me to go outside somewhere, but it isn’t overwhelming today.”</p><p>Athrun nodded and Kira leaned against him, closing his eyes. The act put Athrun back in that difficult place of ‘to tell or not to tell’. Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, he decided that he needed to be honest, no matter how much that scared him. He couldn’t let Kira keep going along like this, not knowing, it just wasn’t right.</p><p>“Kira, I need to tell you something. I don’t know how you’re going to react and I’m sorry if it causes problems, but it’s only fair on you that I’m honest.”</p><p>Kira moved back, worry lining his features and Athrun could tell that the brunette was concerned he’d done something wrong. “What is it?”</p><p>“…I’m really not sure how to say this, and you know I’m hopeless at this sort of thing, so I’m just going to be blunt.” Taking another deep breath, which he blew out noisily, he pushed himself to form those few little words he needed to. “I have feelings for you.”</p><p>Silence followed and he knew Kira was trying to process his words and if they really meant what he thought they did, but he couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact. Instead, he looked at the hands he was wringing in his lap, waiting for a response, while wanting to avoid it. His breathing was shaky and there was a dull pain in his chest, around where the heart was. For all the battles he had entered without hesitation, this is what had him on edge and feeling like a coward…</p><p>“I-what…you mean romantically?”</p><p>He nodded, dumbly, his throat suddenly too dry to form words. Why, oh why, did he have to fall for his best friend? Why circumstances had to come along that left him no choice but to tell him, was another valid question for which there was no answer… After a while, Kira took hold of his hands and Athrun looked at him automatically. There was no hate or disgust, but he was clearly confused and unsure.</p><p>“Sorry Kira, but sometimes it really feels like you not knowing how I feel is taking advantage, so, I…”</p><p>“It’s okay. Thank you for telling me when it’s clearly so difficult for you. I’m in shock, I admit, I’d never… I’m not angry and I’m not worried about coming to you for the support I need. That’s as much as I can say right now, it’s going to take some time for it to sink in.”</p><p>“Of course. I never meant to do this to you, Kira and I certainly don’t expect anything to come from it, you just needed to know, so you can make informed decisions on how you want to interact with me.”</p><p>“It’s okay, Athrun. I think we both need some time to process this, so I’m going to go back to my room for now. Please don’t worry though, we’re okay, you’re still my best friend, whatever.”</p><p>Athrun nodded and watched him leave, releasing a deep breath slowly through his mouth once the door closed. That was not how he had expected his day to go… Still, Kira knew now and he could finally stop feeling guilty over it. If he wanted physical interaction still, it was with full knowledge and there was no ‘taking advantage’ involved. Only time would tell what would become of their friendship, and their healing. He could only hope for the best, while trying to ignore his fears…</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4 (Kira POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter has the most 'adult' content of the story but nothing overtly graphic.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things had unfortunately become a little awkward with Athrun since his confession, though he wasn’t sure if that was more down to his best friend’s insecurity than his own unsureness. Shinn had most certainly noticed, though he had yet to comment or ask about it. That was a conversation he really didn’t want to have. He wasn’t sure of what was going on or why it had come about himself. Athrun had never said or done anything to suggest there was anything between them that wasn’t platonic. Given what a mess he was right now, he couldn’t even fathom why anyone would be interested in him. He was just a burden…</p>
<p>It did explain some things that hadn’t made sense before however, like some of his reactions to Shinn. He hadn’t seem to like that the teen was getting closer… While it felt absurd to suggest that Athrun could be jealous, it had to be the case. That, of course, made things more difficult where the youth was concerned. He didn’t want to upset Athrun but he could hardly just tell Shinn to stop coming over, when he was trying so hard to help. There was just no way of making everyone happy…</p>
<p>Honestly, in some ways he welcomed the distraction the situation brought with it. As much as he didn’t enjoy the awkward atmosphere, it was easier to deal with than the PTSD. He still needed to work out how to handle the situation, and that was a headache all of its own, but it wasn’t giving him nightmares. While Athrun was a little off with Shinn, he wasn’t putting on any form of pressure on Kira to make a choice.</p>
<p>Athrun had also been busier with work lately, leaving him on his own more often and Kira had been using that time to research his issues more thoroughly. While the suggestion was certainly that the sufferer needed support and guidance, there was plenty of things that he could work on by himself. The determination to succeed, no matter what that meant facing, was half the battle and he was certainly strong enough to maintain that. He could get the support he needed once he figured out what was the best way to move forward.</p>
<p>The idea of returning to a normal life, to feel like himself, rather than a stranger in his own skin, gave him the strength to push forward. Even in the darkest times, that hope stopped him from falling into despair. No matter what, it was something he needed to keep striving for. That was the only way to make the dream real and oh how he needed it to become real. This wasn’t him, this hopeless, helpless mess that couldn’t be optimistic to save its life; he couldn’t accept this, it couldn’t be allowed to become the norm. No matter how weak he had been, no matter how often or easily he cried, it had never been for long. He was the one who was meant to see the light and good in life, no matter what.</p>
<p>At the sound of the door opening, Kira looked up to see Athrun walk in. He looked tired and stressed and it didn’t take a genius to know something had happened. The fact that he didn’t seem to notice Kira was there was telling, it really wasn’t like his friend not to pay heed to his surroundings. He wasn’t sure whether it was best to leave the other man alone but after a few moments of hesitation, he followed his friend to his room. Athrun was always there for him, he at least had to offer the same in return.</p>
<p>“Athrun, what’s wrong?” Kira asked softly from the doorway.</p>
<p>“Nothing.” The blunt response made him cringe, as images of fights and arguments flashed through his head.</p>
<p>“I see…well, if there’s anything I can do for you, let me know. I’m sorry to bother you.”</p>
<p>The next thing he knew, Athrun had crossed the room and he was pinned against the door jamb. Before he had time to wonder what would come next, he felt Athrun’s lips against his own. The act was forceful, but not in a way that was meant to hurt him. Feeling Athrun’s tongue against his lips, he parted them. While he had no idea how he felt, if this was what the bluenette needed, he wasn’t going to deny him. Perhaps the kiss would even help him to figure out if he felt the same way…</p>
<p>A hand found its way to the nape of his neck, gently holding his head in place, while another wrapped round his waist and removed the distance between their bodies. The kiss turned more passionate and he felt his head spin as the blood started rushing. This was a little more serious than he’d anticipated but the sensations felt so good he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it. Whether he loved his friend or not, he still didn’t know but he certainly didn’t mind being touched like this by him.</p>
<p>Lips finally left his own to trail down his neck and Kira moaned slightly as a tongue joined them, leaving a wet strip that made him shudder as the cool air ran down it. What little experience he had failed to prepare him and all he could do was cling to Athrun as the sensations took over his ability to think. He felt them move and then he fell onto the bed. He ought to stop it, he knew, somewhere in the back of his mind but he didn’t want these wonderful, overwhelming feelings to disappear.</p>
<p>Athrun straddled him and gently ran his hand down Kira’s face and the brunette knew that things would not be going any further, no matter how badly either of them wanted it. The separation had brought Athrun back to his senses and he would never allow things to continue. His friend was stronger than he was, it seemed. Getting off Kira, Athrun laid down beside him, placing a gentle kiss to his forehead as he wrapped his arms around him. In turn, Kira nuzzled into his shoulder and they lay quietly in each other’s arms for a few blissful minutes.</p>
<p>“Sorry.” Athrun muttered eventually and Kira shook his head.</p>
<p>“There’s nothing to apologise for.”</p>
<p>He felt Athrun smile sardonically, but his friend changed the subject before he could say anything. “You’re not angry, clearly, in fact, you rather seemed to be enjoying yourself…”</p>
<p>Kira felt himself blush, the heat in his cheeks something Athrun would feel, even without seeing him turn beet red. “Um, I-I’m not going to tell you I know how I feel about things, but…”</p>
<p>Athrun ended his embarrassing attempt at a response by gently pressing their lips together once more. The brief act left him wanting more, but Athrun pulled away far enough to look at him clearly. The gentle touch of his hand once again brushed down Kira’s face and his eyes fluttered closed. Perhaps he was being naïve again. He had never been uncomfortable whenever or however the bluenette touched him and he trusted him more than anyone, even if he never seemed to show that. He did love him and always had. Now that intimacy had been included and he had very much enjoyed it, didn’t that answer everything?</p>
<p>“Shall we get back to just interacting normally and see where it takes us?”</p>
<p>“Depends what you mean by ‘normally’.”</p>
<p>Athrun smiled, kissing him again. “Well, naturally, I’m making no promises of keeping my hands to myself now that I know you’re not completely opposed, so you’ll have to be honest if you don’t want it. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”</p>
<p>Kira nodded, before nuzzling into him again. He had missed the simple interaction and effortless conversation. He was happy to take things slowly, so they could both work things out together. To feel safe again in his arms was something he hadn’t realised how much he had missed. If this could help them both heal as well… Maybe, finally, things were starting to get better.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5 (Shinn POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things had been a little strange with Athrun and Kira lately and he wasn’t really sure what to make of it. Though he was no more certain about himself and how he was behaving with his former enemy.... For such a long time, he’d blamed Freedom’s pilot for everything, yet now, he was making any excuse to spend time with him. It would seem ludicrous to himself even a few months ago and outright offensive before that.</p><p>He hadn’t been at all fair about it though. Truthfully, Kira was nothing more than a good person who cared too much and was pulled into the chaos by chance. Maybe not even chance, maybe it was fate… How differently would things have gone, how many more people would be dead, or living like mindless slaves if Durandal had won? Whether he bought chaos with him or not, he had tried to protect everyone. Even if he hadn’t been able to, wasn’t that more than everyone else had done? It didn’t matter to Kira who or what anyone was, all life was sacred. Without him there to fight, who knows how differently everything would have turned out and certainly not for the better.</p><p>Spending time with him had been healing and Shinn knew he was in a much better place for it. Kira also seemed to be doing better, especially just recently, though that didn’t mean he wasn’t still suffering over his choices and all the lives he couldn’t save. It wasn’t Kira’s fault, even he could admit that now, but that truth didn’t help the brunette, as much as he and Athrun tried to help him see it.</p><p>The pilot of Justice had been better lately, though Shinn was certainly aware that he was still off with him sometimes, just not as badly or as often as it had been. Shinn assumed that maybe he was merely being a little too protective and maybe a little possessive, but he hadn’t bought it up. Kira didn’t need the stress and he wasn’t sure how Athrun would handle it. Probably he’d just shut him down, but it really wasn’t worth finding out. </p><p>For a while, it had seemed the two best friends had fallen out and he was worried what that meant for Kira’s recovery, but for the last week or two, things were better again. That wasn’t something he wanted to risk damaging. He could ignore his curiosity and Athrun being a little hostile if it helped Kira get better. That was really all that mattered in this and he knew Athrun felt the same way. Even if he didn’t always show it, Kira’s wellbeing was clearly always something the other considered.</p><p>Today was going to be ‘interesting’ on that front and how Athrun was going to handle that was something yet to be seen. Lacus and Cagalli had decided that a get-together was a good idea and apparently couldn’t be talked out if it, so Kira and Athrun were going to have to deal with people and alcohol. The combination could be problematic enough, without the PTSD. If Kira acted like his old self it would ease the concern of the girls but it certainly wasn’t what was best for him. The fact that apparently Lacus had an 'interest’ in Kira and Cagalli for Athrun wasn’t likely to help matters either.</p><p>He knew that Luna and Meyrin were invited and he believed that Yzak and Dearka were as well, but he wasn’t sure about anyone else. Presumably the crew of the Archangel and Eternal were also, given they had all fought together. That really wasn’t necessarily a good idea though, given it was the fighting that had caused so much harm. That was why he and Athrun were going to watch over him, because they knew it could make things worse, even if the girls didn’t seem to understand.</p><p>Hopefully they were both worrying over nothing and Kira would be fine. That was something they weren’t going to know until the party started, or perhaps not until after it finished. Either way, he wouldn’t be alone and any support needed would be given. That determination was still surprising to him. What was it that made Kira’s wellbeing so important to him? Athrun he understood, they’d been friends since they were children and had been through a lot together, but what about him? What had changed between him and Kira that made it so significant?</p><p>Shaking his head, Shinn brushed the thoughts aside. The question wasn’t one he had an answer for and now really wasn’t the time to be getting lost in thought. He would have to leave soon for the party and he still needed to get ready. Luna would kill him if he was late picking her and Meyrin up…</p><p>Shinn still wasn’t sure how he’d ended up playing escort for the girls, but all too soon they were in the car heading towards the venue. Meyrin was wearing a knee-length black dress with purple trim, her hair pulled back into a bun with bangs lining her face. She looked mature and sophisticated and the sombre air around her spoke volumes that she understood that this might not be the best timing for the get-together. Lunamaria on the other hand, was grinning excitedly and looked every bit the life of the party in her yellow polka-dot top and green thigh-high skort. He had gone for a simple pair of black dress pants and a blue shirt, knowing Athrun and Kira intended to do something similar.</p><p>He sighed audibly when they arrived at the venue, it seemed that it wasn’t quite the little get-together with friends that they had been told it was. In some ways, it might make it easier for Kira to hide out of the way but it would also make things even more stressful, especially if Lacus and Cagalli intended to use this as a ‘celebration’ of him. Glancing at the girls, he could tell Meyrin shared the same concerns, while Luna remained oblivious to their concerns.</p><p>“This isn’t good, is it? If I can help in any way, let me know.” Meyrin kept her voice low but Shinn jumped slightly, not realising she had moved so close to him.</p><p>“No, it isn’t good…thanks for the offer Meyrin, I’ll let Athrun know as well.”</p><p>Meyrin nodded before moving away. It would seem strange for them to be seen standing so near to each other, and making a scene wasn’t something either of them wanted. He forgot sometimes that she had spent time with Kira as well, though he imagined her offer was more for Athrun’s sake. It was more than obvious that she had feelings for their superior, as well as the due respect. He didn’t think those feelings would ever be returned however and given her silence on it, maybe she knew that as well.</p><p>Sighing softly, he made his way inside and looked around the bustling room. Eventually spying Kira and Athrun in the midst of a group. Kira had a smile on his face and was conversing politely but the tense stance and fidgeting made it clear he was antsy. Athrun was also tense and the clenching and unclenching of his hands made it clear he was far from happy. If Athrun hadn’t figured out a way to get them out of the situation, would he be able to?</p><p>Before he was able to try, Meyrin walked passed and engaged the other women in a conversation about their outfits, Lunamaria also quickly joined in, though for different reasons. The others who were stood around them soon dispersed and Athrun gently pulled Kira away, while Shinn followed. Meyrin glanced over and both he and Athrun signalled their thanks.</p><p>Athrun wanted to take Kira home, but their friend argued they couldn’t go when the party had only just started and he would be alright. Knowing they weren’t going to change the brunette’s mind, they instead headed to one of the quieter corners. After a few comments about Meyrin and how switched-on and helpful she was, they settled into idle small talk while watching the room.</p><p>“Sorry guys, I don’t mean to cause you so much concern. We don’t have to stay for too long but it wouldn’t be right to leave now. I promise if things get too bad I’ll say something and won’t argue about leaving.”</p><p>Athrun took hold of Kira’s hand and squeezed it slightly and Shinn felt the pang of an emotion he didn’t like. The tight squeeze in his chest, and dark emotions he thought were gone, left him feeling confused. Why would his superior offering support to their friend bother him? Wasn’t it what was best for Kira, and wasn’t that what they both wanted? Complications between the three of them weren’t going to help matters, and he certainly didn’t want to hurt the Kira any more than he already was.</p><p>After a couple of hours, the majority of the guests were under the influence and Athrun decided it was time for them to leave after a young lady was a little too, forward. As it turned out, the bluenette was apparently rather awkward with women, a fact that surprised him no end. Kira had stepped in for him and had managed to politely deflect the situation and send the woman on her way without causing any offence.</p><p>Kira caught his arm as they moved away and Shinn realised he might have had slightly more to drink than he’d realised. Maybe that could explain his strange response? Alcohol caused all manner of unusual things. He’d intended to apologise and then move to walk on his own, but Kira seemed intent on helping him, and he didn’t really feel like declining him.</p><p>Once back at the apartment his friends shared, Kira encouraged him to sit down on the sofa. While the brunette was getting water and snacks, presumably to help with his intoxication, Athrun was pulled away on a call and moved out of the shared living space to take it in private. When Kira returned to sit with him, Shinn thanked him, while apologising again, but Kira just shook his head and smiled.</p><p>“It’s nice to be able to do something for you, given everything you’ve done for me. Don’t worry about it, really.”</p><p>“Thanks Kira. I really didn’t mean to drink as much as I apparently did…”</p><p>Kira laughed. “Coping mechanism for the party. Honestly, I think Athrun did the same but he’s better at hiding it. I’m sorry I make you both worry so much, but thank you.”</p><p>“Sorry, I have to leave for a while.” Athrun stated calmly as he stepped back into the lounge. “Will the two of you be alright?”</p><p>“Of course, I feel fine at the moment, so I can watch over Shinn and it isn’t as though he’s ‘that’ drunk.”</p><p>Kira’s reply was light-hearted and Athrun nodded, kissing him on the side of the head before he left the apartment. The act caused the same unwanted emotions from earlier to stir again and Shinn distracted himself from them by focusing on the snacks Kira had provided. Was it possible that this was…shaking his head, he pushed the thoughts away before they could finish. That was not something he needed to consider…</p><p>Once Athrun had left, they lazed around watching TV and chatting idly. Between all the work and research they’d done between them, Kira had definitely improved, though there was still further to go before he’d be able to have a ‘normal’ life again. That they were able to do this, just showed how massively things had changed since the start of it. There were new methods he was trying and a psychologist had helped create a program and was there to answer any questions and it really seemed to be helping a lot. The psychologist was confident that Kira could get better and overcome the PTSD within the next twelve months, something he believed was an over-estimate. They were all hopeful that was true but only time would tell.</p><p>While they were talking amiably, without realising what he was doing, he leaned forward and placed his lips against Kira’s. The sensation brought him back to his senses and they both pulled away from each other at roughly the same time. For several moments that felt like forever, they just stared at one other, sharing the same shocked look. When his wits finally returned, he was about to apologise profusely when Kira started laughing.</p><p>“I hope that was just the alcohol Shinn, or things have just gotten a lot more complicated. Would prove Athrun’s ‘concerns’ right though…”</p><p>“Athrun has feelings for you? Is that why things have been weird lately?”</p><p>“Yes, that’s right. It was a massive surprise when he told me and he really didn’t know how to interact with me afterwards, but we’re getting along better now.”</p><p>“Are you dating?”</p><p>“We’re seeing what happens or not. So? Do you know if it was just because you’re intoxicated, or is this a conversation we need to have another time, when you’re sober and my head has processed it?”</p><p>“I-I don’t know. I want to blame the alcohol, but…”</p><p>“Okay, well, we’ll leave it like that for now and if we need to have a discussion about this, let me know. Just, maybe not in front of Athrun…”</p><p>“I, uh, yeah, sure. Um, I probably ought to get back to mine now. You’ll be okay, right?</p><p>“Of course. You’re all right to get home on your own?”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, no problem, like you said to Athrun, I’m not ‘that’ bad. I’ll, um, see you around.”</p><p>Kira nodded, a look of concern etched on his features. Shinn tried to ignore it as he made his way out as quickly as he could without running. Escaping was absolutely what he needed to do, even if the brunette was being incredibly good about it. He couldn’t believe he’d done that and he didn’t know what to think about it. Those concerns he’d tried to brush aside earlier had come back to bite him. He couldn’t bring himself to face either of them right now, so getting away before Athrun got back home was vital. Who knew if or when he would feel able to speak to them again…</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6 (Athrun POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He didn’t know what, but he knew something had happened the night of the party. Shinn hadn’t been over once in the month since and he avoided him as much as possible elsewhere. Kira obviously knew, but he had declined to tell him anything. His friend would just smile and shake his head whenever he asked. His mind immediately jumped to it being that Shinn had confessed feelings or tried something on. He didn’t know for certain if that was the case, or if it was just paranoia on his part. He couldn’t blame Shinn if it was, as he wasn’t aware of the situation between Kira and himself, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.</p>
<p>It was frustrating not knowing, but if Kira wouldn’t explain and Shinn was avoiding him like the plague, he had little choice but to try to ignore it. He was, of course, failing miserably in that regard… Given Shinn had clearly been under the influence, if something had happened, it wasn’t even necessarily how he felt. It wasn’t unusual for people to say or do completely random things when inebriated. If he did have feelings for Kira though, what would that mean?</p>
<p>He’d known his best friend long enough to know that Kira would never agree to cutting ties over something like that, which meant that somehow, he’d have to accept them spending time together, as they had been doing. Even though he knew it was unfair to them both, Athrun really did not like the idea. The thought of losing Kira to Shinn was just…</p>
<p>Feeling arms wrap around him, Athrun sighed softly, knowing he’d been caught. “Is someone over-thinking things he knows nothing about again?”</p>
<p>Athrun turned to face Kira before replying, a self-depreciating smile on his face. “Possibly…it’s difficult to ignore it. Besides, it’s only because I love you so much.”</p>
<p>“It’s bad for you, stop stressing. Whatever comes of it, does, we’ll deal with it then.”</p>
<p>“I know, Kira, I know. I’m trying, really. It’s just easier said than done.”</p>
<p>“Whatever did or didn’t happen, we’ve been best friends forever, I’m not going to abandon you. I said we’d see what happened between us and we’re both comfortable together however we’re interacting, right? So what are you worrying about?”</p>
<p>“I’m afraid of losing you. I know it isn’t reasonable but I can’t make that fear go away.”</p>
<p>Kira hugged him again and Athrun firmly returned it. Despite everything that had happened between them over the years, at some point, Kira had become indispensable to him, or perhaps, he always had been and it had just taken Athrun far too long to realise it. There was also the perfectly reasonable possibility that this came down to his own issues, with all the abandonment, loss and betrayal he’d dealt with. The brunette was the only remnant, the only constant, even when they were fighting.</p>
<p>Kira wouldn’t leave him, not unless he forced it to happen through his own words and actions. He didn’t need to be afraid of Shinn taking him away. Even if Kira decided he wanted a relationship with Shinn instead, they would always be close friends. The three of them got along well and Shinn paid almost as much care over Kira’s wellbeing as he did, wasn’t that what counted? As long as Kira was happy…</p>
<p>“Sorry, Kira. I’m good now, thank you.”</p>
<p>Letting go of one another, Kira stepped back and smiled warmly. “I’m glad. I’m going to do my exercises now, do you want to join me?”</p>
<p>“I-you know what, sure, why not?”</p>
<p>Kira smiled again and led the way. They both knew his life held an awful lot of trauma, so maybe what the psychologist had given Kira would help him too. If it could strengthen them both and their relationship, however that turned out, it was certainly worth trying. The chance to stop concerning himself so considerably over Shinn and where he fit into the equation was also something he welcomed.</p>
<p>A few hours later he was honestly feeling far more relaxed and comfortable. Clearly, this psychologist knew what he was talking about and it seemed the exercises could absolutely do him some good, as well as Kira. </p>
<p>Knowing it was best for everyone, no matter how difficult or awkward it might be, he had decided to invite Shinn over and was prepared to ensure that he came, even if that meant he didn’t ‘play fair’. The situation needed resolving, whatever came of it. Allowing Shinn to continue to bury his head in the sand just wasn’t viable.</p>
<p>It had taken various threats and persuasion attempts for Shinn to finally agree to come. They were going to have a meal together and just talk. Kira had surprisingly left him to it, not arguing or telling him off for what he was saying. Athrun could only assume that he agreed things needed to be dealt with and that it was only going to happen by forcing the younger teen into it.</p>
<p>Leaving the food to cook, he joined Kira on the sofa. Pulling the other onto his lap, he nuzzled his neck while holding him close. Kira for his part, relaxed into him, but did nothing to reciprocate, apparently happy to just enjoy the closeness. That was what really mattered. The closeness that had always been there, that simple acceptance and appreciation of the other’s presence. It wasn’t going to go away, not after everything they’d been through. Shinn wasn’t a threat to that, no one would ever make Kira abandon him. He was ready to place his complete faith in that now.</p>
<p>Trying to keep Kira to himself would only strain their relationship and cause them further pain. If he had to share Kira with Shinn, he could do that. As long as they could have their ‘happy ever after’, it would all be worth it. Shinn had also done an awful lot to help Kira’s recovery, so it wouldn’t be right to leave him out of everything now. It was unfortunate that Shinn had no doubt also fallen in love with Kira but he was confident enough now that he could accept that. Kira was a wonderful person and it wasn’t difficult to adore him, as long as Shinn continued to put the brunette’s wellbeing first, Athrun could accept him being there, in whatever form that took.</p>
<p>Eventually Shinn arrived and Kira chatted with him idly, trying to calm his nerves, while Athrun finished preparing and dishing up their meal. The lasagne smelled wonderful as he removed it from the oven and placed it on the table with the serving utensils, a plate of garlic bread soon joined it, along with a salad bowl. Calling the boys through, Kira smiled warmly, commenting on the wonderful job he’d done before taking a seat. Shinn mumbled a thank you and that it looked good before also sitting down, avoiding eye contact the whole time. The plan was that the food would make the black-haired teen relax and open up a little and that this mess could be resolved, whether it would work or not, they’d soon find out.</p>
<p>After a while, Shinn looked up at Athrun and looked poised to say something, before seeming to think better of it, so Athrun took the opportunity to start the conversation instead. “Kira has declined to explain, but given your behaviour, I can guess what happened. Kira and I have talked several times and after partaking in some of his exercises earlier, I decided it was time that we dealt with this, rather than you doing everything you can to avoid me. You’re not in any trouble, Shinn.”</p>
<p>Taking another bite of the lasagne, Shinn swallowed it hard and Athrun could see that while the words had helped, the younger boy was still nervous. “What happened is I kissed him. I don’t know why it happened, I didn’t plan on it. I didn’t know the two of you were a thing either, not until after.”</p>
<p>“Okay. How do you feel about it?”</p>
<p>“Embarrassed, mortified…I guess I probably do have some feelings, even though I’d like to blame it all on the alcohol. I don’t know…”</p>
<p>“Relax, Shinn, it’s fine. You already know I’m not upset and Athrun’s just told you not to worry. I didn’t know how I felt about Athrun or what it meant when he shared how he felt with me. It isn’t always easy to understand emotions. We can take this one step at a time, just like Athrun and I did.” Kira smiled reassuringly and Shinn seemed to calm a little more.</p>
<p>In that moment, his friend seemed like his old self, not tormented by the demons that had been trying to destroy him since the last war ended. Moving forward together was what was best for them all, that was clearer than ever. Together, they could finally heal. That seemed to be the truth that was trying to make itself known. While he’d never considered a three-way relationship, perhaps he could accept one in these circumstances. If that was the way things wanted to play out, he would deal with it, without all the insecurities that had been plaguing him.</p>
<p>“I agree. There’s no point in stressing out and causing more drama than we already have to deal with. Let’s all just support each other and see how things play out. I’m not afraid of losing Kira. I know he’ll always be there, so I can share him with you, whatever that means.”</p>
<p>The look of surprise on Shinn’s face was unmissable and Athrun struggled to keep his face neutral. The last thing he needed was for Shinn to think he was joking. Kira smiled warmly at him, clearly pleased. “Let’s finish eating before it gets cold.”</p>
<p>Athrun and Shinn both nodded and the meal continued, only this time the atmosphere was far more relaxed than it had been. Where things went from here, they’d discover as they went, but everything finally seemed to be moving in the right direction for them all. He was confident now, as the psychologist was, that everything would work out and that they would all be able to go back to living ‘normal’ lives. The trauma might not ever go away completely but it would no longer rule their lives and reactions. Together, the three of them would build a new life and learn to be happy again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And so, we're done. I hope those who read it have enjoyed and I leave their future up to your imagination :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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